Book Excerpt




Rachael knew that she had an underlying sexual desire for Miriam their third summer in the mountains. Rachael’s kitchen window looked out on the road between two rows of bungalows. When she sat at the kitchen table, she could see everyone walking back and forth. She was idly looking out one day when Miriam came out of her bungalow wearing a dazzlingly blue bathing suit that fit her slender body perfectly. Rachael was transfixed. Miriam seemed to glow in the sun. Seeing Miriam's bare arms made her ache. Rachael says, “That day, the obsession took over.” Rachael needed this woman, to be near her, to be touched by her, to feel close. Confusion, fear, desire, feelings! “My mantra then was, ‘I don’t need anyone.’ An incest survivor’s whole purpose in life is denying needs.” But even Rachael’s steely resolve could not stop her desire for Miriam.

When the summer was over, Rachael went to see Miriam in Brooklyn. When she couldn’t see her in person, she made contact by phone. "I annoyed the hell out of her. I kept calling her. There was no such thing as ‘no.’ I had to be with her.” Miriam was the true good thing that happened in her life.

Finally, Rachael confessed her addiction to Miriam and said that she was going to go away for the weekend and get off her pills, because she didn’t want the drugs to come between them. Miriam would not let Rachael go alone. Miriam remembers, “She was in tremendous, tremendous pain, but she had no convulsions or hallucinations.” That weekend sealed their close friendship. Rachael was so grateful for Miriam. “I had never known anyone so gentle, yet so strong.” Miriam calmed her. Miriam felt protective and tender. Her own need to be near Rachael began to grow. After the initial withdrawal, Rachael saw an addiction counselor, but she didn’t tell her counselor of her addiction to Miriam.

Miriam got used to Rachael’s calling and coming over, began enjoying her company, and soon looked forward to it. Rachael was exciting and witty, yet something about her called out for care. Rachael told Miriam, “My therapist said that I need to learn to `reach out.’” Miriam was glad to oblige. She held Rachael's hand----for comfort, and she exchanged warm hugs when they met and parted—friendly hugs, friendly hand holding. There were sensations in her body that Miriam refused to explore. They kissed once. Miriam remembers, “I was so stimulated that I thought I was going to lose my mind. I was a mother with three children, for heaven's sake!” Rachael laughs, “It’s a wonder the whole couch didn’t burn up!”

The women’s husbands had become acquainted in the mountains too, and the four of them began spending time together. After the summer season, Miriam and Rachael planned their social events so that they could see more of each other. They hadn’t planned on orchestrating the event that would truly bring them together---after ten years of friendship.

The foursome had gone out to dinner in Mel’s car. Miriam explains, “The floor of his car was always full of junk. Passengers had to move it out of the way before they could be comfortable. When Rachael got out of the car, she tripped on a coiled wire and fell into the car parked next to them. Rachael wrenched her back and neck and had to be helped into her house.” Their husbands sat in the den watching television. The women were in the kitchen. Rachael was in agony even after several aspirin. Miriam asked, “Would you like me to rub you with Ben Gay?" If Rachael had said "No," it might have taken ten more years for Miriam to acknowledge her feelings for Rachael! Thankfully, when she began kneading Rachael’s neck and shoulders, a little thrill caught in her chest. A warm, pink blush rose to her cheeks. She kept moving her fingers slowly over Rachael's back and Miriam knew that touching Rachael meant more than therapeutic massage." She tried to compose herself and assumed a casual expression, but it was too late. Rachael had seen, and Rachael knew that her prayers had been answered.

When the summer was over, Rachael picked up her daily routine. She missed seeing Miriam every day. It made it difficult to suppress the longing that had surfaced at the end of their summer in the country. Rachael had waited ten years for Miriam's touch. Miriam was such a tender, sweet woman, and Rachael knew her touch would heal her of more than her sprained neck. She must make sure of Miriam’s feelings. She remembers, “I had been invited to go out to eat with friends whom I usually enjoyed. We would laugh, have a few drinks, and have a good time. This time, all I could think of was how much I missed Miriam. It was pining that brought physical pain. Rachael couldn’t even manage to make the right responses in their conversation. A big invisible fist had seized her and started squeezing. “I couldn’t think about anything but getting back to Miriam to talk with her. I needed to ask the question that would change everything, for better or worse. Would Miriam remember what I asked? Would she remember the answer?”

The next day was Sunday, and that meant bowling league. Rachael knew that Miriam would be smoking pot that evening to get through sex with her husband, so Rachael chose that time to call Miriam. “I knew she would be stoned on pot, and I needed the truth. Maybe if she said, ‘No’ when I asked her the question, she would be stoned enough to forget the whole conversation.” After several busy signals, the phone rang. As soon as Miriam answered Rachael asked, “Do you have sexual feelings for me?”

There was a quick intake of breath and then Miriam answered, “Yes.”

            “Oh, shit.”